“Telling the story of his mother was, he realizes, his intention from the start; he has no other way of explaining who he is. That is what two people must give to each other, he thinks: the history of themselves. How else can we hope to be known?”
On page 590 of the last installment of Justin Cronin’s apocalyptic trilogy, this little nugget bops me in the head.
These days there is a strong focus on the mental health of employees. Managers want to know, “How do I ensure my team is OK, beyond just asking them outright?”
Admitting weakness is still not a comfortable discussion for most of us. We need a very safe space in which to do that. Trust is required.
Psychology tells us that people tend to trust those they perceive as similar to themselves. The more I know about someone, the more that is possible. We also tend to trust those willing to reveal information about themselves, who are willing to be vulnerable.
When we share more of ourselves, we become known. Familiarity breeds trust. Sharing also sets the stage for reciprocity – a desire to return the sharing in kind. This is a critical insight for checking in on our employees!
Beyond just asking, “How are you doing?” we must find ways to reveal our history, our triumphs and failures, our passions and our fears. Being known creates trust – the space in which employees can reveal their own history, hopes and hurts.
Here are some ways to begin sharing more of yourself:
- “I’ve been reflecting lately on an experience I had that was really significant for me. May I share it?”
- “You know, this widespread isolation we are all experiencing reminds me of when…”
- “I know I usually ask you how you are doing, but may I share a bit about what I’ve been feeling lately?”
- “I was just reading about how some people are responding to abc. I can certainly empathize with some of that…”
Trust is not instantaneous or guaranteed. Not everyone will respond in kind. But there are individuals in our midst that long deeply to be heard and understood. They harbour secret pain that makes it difficult to perform at their best (let alone adopt your latest change program!).
Sometimes all we need to do is open the door of trust and they will take the opportunity to find a sympathetic ear. To engage and motivate you don’t have to be a counselor, but you do have to care.
Thoughtfully yours,
Jeff
